Because I'm a Guy... ...I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able 2 survive by holding a calculator. ...when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call the mech until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer. ...when I catch cold am homa I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue. ...I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread.I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "masala" or " vinegar" For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which"feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. ...when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. ...I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger-how the heck could HE know where we're going? ...there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either lungula, rugee,beer, work or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't. ...I do not want to visit ur mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too? ...I am capable of announcing,"one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have togo hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the outside. What's the connection? ...you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. ...I have to turn up the radio when The Game or Bob comes on. ...I think what you're wearing is fine. I thot what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? ...and this is, after all, the 21 century, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest!

Because I'm a Guy... ...I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able 2 survive by holding a calculator. ...when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call the mech until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer. ...when I catch cold am homa I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue. ...I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread.I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "masala" or " vinegar" For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which"feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. ...when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. ...I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger-how the heck could HE know where we're going? ...there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either lungula, rugee,beer, work or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't. ...I do not want to visit ur mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too? ...I am capable of announcing,"one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have togo hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the outside. What's the connection? ...you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. ...I have to turn up the radio when The Game or Bob comes on. ...I think what you're wearing is fine. I thot what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? ...and this is, after all, the 21 century, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest!

THE DAY I HATED SCHOOL. I was asleep snoring ng'rrorrr ng'rrorrr.The chicken shouted 3 times.I opened 1 eye & left the other to sleep a bit.I was wishing i had slept with my uniforms putted on but i realized if wishes were chickens beggars wld be laying eggs.I woke up ...with only 1 eye openn & i was looking wherethe pramastof was put,i wash my face.I cooked a tea without milk.I drank the tea haphazardy & hurriedy with a piece of sadza which had remained last night.I put on my uniforms & then painted myself with fat & becoz therewas no kiwi i had to paint my shoes with fat to.I took my paperbag put books & pens then ran everything.I beated the 1st corner hardlythen as i was beating the 2nd corner i heard the school bell cry nkgrirriririri ngkririrriri! I knew my buttocks were on fire 4rm teacher on duty.When i reached the gate!! You dont want to know!! Mr Dube was standing at the gate witha big black hozpipe.I was so afraid dat i almost urinated.I was asked ''Y are u late?'' i said my pramastof was poured with water last night'' teacher asked ''What had datto do wit your coming to school late?'' I told him the stove was late to burn so it delayed cooking strong''he said ''dat is no excuse!!Touch your toes to greet the world'' I started to remove my shoes so i cantouch the toes but he told me i just meant bend.He gave me the 1st beating on my buttocks,he hehe it was hot & boiling,i dried dat 1.He gave me the 2nd one papa!!dis one was much hotter & i started hearing to cry.When the 3rd one was given to me i heard somuch pain dat i touched my buttocks.Teacher Dube said ''You have erased dat 1,i will haveto give u another 1'' When i was given the 4th 1 tears started getting out of my eyes uncountallably.The teacher said ''You removing tears 4 who?Idnt want to see even a smell of tear,ran to class & dont late tomorrow!!'' My buttocks as i went to class were hearing as if sitting in a burning pramastof.From dat day i sware i'l neva come 2 skul late

THE DAY I HATED SCHOOL. I was asleep snoring ng'rrorrr ng'rrorrr.The chicken shouted 3 times.I opened 1 eye & left the other to sleep a bit.I was wishing i had slept with my uniforms putted on but i realized if wishes were chickens beggars wld be laying eggs.I woke up ...with only 1 eye openn & i was looking wherethe pramastof was put,i wash my face.I cooked a tea without milk.I drank the tea haphazardy & hurriedy with a piece of sadza which had remained last night.I put on my uniforms & then painted myself with fat & becoz therewas no kiwi i had to paint my shoes with fat to.I took my paperbag put books & pens then ran everything.I beated the 1st corner hardlythen as i was beating the 2nd corner i heard the school bell cry nkgrirriririri ngkririrriri! I knew my buttocks were on fire 4rm teacher on duty.When i reached the gate!! You dont want to know!! Mr Dube was standing at the gate witha big black hozpipe.I was so afraid dat i almost urinated.I was asked ''Y are u late?'' i said my pramastof was poured with water last night'' teacher asked ''What had datto do wit your coming to school late?'' I told him the stove was late to burn so it delayed cooking strong''he said ''dat is no excuse!!Touch your toes to greet the world'' I started to remove my shoes so i cantouch the toes but he told me i just meant bend.He gave me the 1st beating on my buttocks,he hehe it was hot & boiling,i dried dat 1.He gave me the 2nd one papa!!dis one was much hotter & i started hearing to cry.When the 3rd one was given to me i heard somuch pain dat i touched my buttocks.Teacher Dube said ''You have erased dat 1,i will haveto give u another 1'' When i was given the 4th 1 tears started getting out of my eyes uncountallably.The teacher said ''You removing tears 4 who?Idnt want to see even a smell of tear,ran to class & dont late tomorrow!!'' My buttocks as i went to class were hearing as if sitting in a burning pramastof.From dat day i sware i'l neva come 2 skul late

A very poor woman called a Christian radio station asking for help. A bad, evil man who was listening to this radio program decided to make something out of it. He got her address, called his secretary and ordered her to buy food and take to the woman with the following instruction., '' when the woman asks who sent the food, tell her that its from the devil.'' when she arrived, the woman was so happy and she started putting the food inside. The Secretary asked her.''dont you want to know who sent the food''?. The woman answered. ''no , it doesnt matter, coz when GOD orders, even the devil obeys.

A very poor woman called a Christian radio station asking for help. A bad, evil man who was listening to this radio program decided to make something out of it. He got her address, called his secretary and ordered her to buy food and take to the woman with the following instruction., '' when the woman asks who sent the food, tell her that its from the devil.'' when she arrived, the woman was so happy and she started putting the food inside. The Secretary asked her.''dont you want to know who sent the food''?. The woman answered. ''no , it doesnt matter, coz when GOD orders, even the devil obeys.

The first 52 seconds after sex is important because thats when a woman needs to be held the most, to be ensured that she's appreciated and that her man cares about her heart the most. She really enjoys the goodnite kisses and thats the part of the night she loves the most, because a woman doesn't wanna feel used after sex...thats the type of feeling that makes a woman hurt the most!! See good men ...pay the price for all the trouble that fake men have caused the most, so when we get a good woman we love her hard to make her forget about the cowards that made her cry the most...And when a man really loves a woman he accepts her kids as his own,and even if her credit is badhe won't stop cleaning it up untill he gets a home. Real men love strong, and real men love God too much to live wrong and thats why somany good men are married.Making love outside the balcony in the rain because they married, strawberries whip creme everything on top because they married. A Real man buries his past and focuses on the woman he's with, even if she's just his girlfriend he still respects her and treats herjust like a gift. >>> And these are the kind of things real men say >>>Baby dont worry about it ill sell the rims on my car to pay our rent, i love you more than material things and i will never quit. Yeah baby i messed up and i admit my wrongs, i was a boy when we met but now im a man and im sangin a different song. Im taking this job cause i love my family even though it only pays minimum wage, but that will get us byuntill i find something better and baby ill never leave you or walk away

A guy has been admiring his neighbour's wife. The neighbour's wife always give him this seductive smile. The guy didn't know how to approach the lady. He was afraid. One day the lady herself met the guy alone in ... his apartment. GUY: Hi LADY: Hi GUY: Is everything alright? LADY: Yes. Just need littlehelp from you (Smiling seductively.) GUY: Wow! Anything for the angel. LADY: I...I...I...jus t don't know how to say this. I'll be so ashamed of myself if you say no. GUY: Oh my lady. You don't have to. I am ready to do anything for you. LADY: You know, it's beenover 3 weeks since my husband travelled... GUY: Yes! Yes! Yes! LADY: And even when he'saround, he has some... (pause for a while) he has some disabilities... GUY: Oh poor you... You must have been going through hell! LADY: I know you'll be stronger than him... GUY: Sure. LADY: Can you help me? GUY: Wow! Now? LADY: Oh thank goodness!that's why I came to you. Can you help me carry my deep freezer from the parlour to my kitchen?

There may be days when you get up in the morning and things aren’t the way you had hoped they would be. That’s when you have to tell yourself that things will get better. There are times when people disappoint you and let you down. But those are the times when you must remind yourself to trust your own judgments and opinions, to keep your life focused on believing in yourself. There will be challenges to face and changes to make in your life, and it is up to you to accept them. Constantly keep yourself headed in the right direction for you. It may not be easy at times, but in those times of struggle you will find a stronger sense of who you are. So when the days come that are filled with frustration and unexpected responsibilities, remember to believe in yourself and all you want your life to be. Because the challenges and changes will only help you to find the goals that you know are meant to come true for you.

A lady unzipped my fly

In Kencom bus stage a beautiful young lady was in da route.48 que. Dressed up 4 work, she waswearing a very tight miniskirt. As the bus rolled up and it becom her turn to get in the bus, she becom aware that her skirt was tootight 2 allow her leg 2 come up to the height of the bus' 1st step. So slightly embarrassed andwith a quick smile 2 the shuttle conductor she reached bhind her, and unzipped her skirt alittle thinking that this would giv her enough slack 2 raise her leg. Again she tried 2 make the step onto the bus 2 discover she still cld not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached bhind her andunzipped her skirt a little more. And 4 2nd time she attempted the step and onceagain, much 2 her disgust she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the conductor she again unzipped the offending skirt2 giv a little mo slack and again was unable 2 make the step. About this time the big Mnati(plabs george) guy whowas behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him"How dare u touch my body!!Na hata hunijui!!" At this tim the mnati drawled,"yah ma'am, i would agree with u but after u unzipped my fly 3 times, I kinda figured unanidai."

Put yourself in the teacher’s position and think about what You would say after hearing this. In a second grade class, a little girl asks, Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant? How old is your mother, dear? asks the teacher. Forty. she replies. Yes, dear, your mother couldget pregnant. The little girl then asks, Can my big sister get pregnant? Well, dear, how old is your sister? The little girl answers, Nineteen. Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant. The little girl then asks, Can I get pregnant? How old are you, dear? The little girl answers, I’m seven years old. No, dear, you can’t get pregnant… Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, See, I told you we had nothing to worry! about. The teacher fainte

its strange

1.Isn't it strange how a 500bob
Seems like such a large amount when
You donate it to church, but
Such a small amount
When you go shopping?
2. Isn't it strange how 2 hours seem so long when
You're at church, and how
Short they seem when you're
Watching a good movie?
3. Isn't it strange that you can't
Find a word to say when
You're praying,
But you have no trouble
Thinking what to talk about
With a friend?
4. Isn't it strange how difficult
And boring it is to read
One chapter
Of the Bible, but how easy
It is to read 100 pages of
A popular mag or ol entire fb quotes?
5. Isn't it strange how everyone
Wants front-row-tickets
To concerts or
footbal/rugee game, but they do whatever
Is possible to sit at the last
Row in Church?
6. Isn't it strange how we need to
Know about an event for Church 2-3
Weeks before the day so we can
Include it in our agenda, but we can
Adjust it for other events at
The last minute?

Business Mind

A Kikuyu couple both age 37,went to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asked, 'What canI do for you?'
The man said 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished having the intercourse, the doctor said
'There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.',
and charged them Kshs 1400.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make
an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, and pay the
doctor then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, 'Just exactly, what are you trying to find out?'
The man said, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we
can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. At the Guest
House they charge Kshs 2500. At the hotel they charge Kshs 4500 .We do it here
for Kshs1400, and I claim it back from Medical insurance

THINGS THAT MY WIFE NO LONGER USES

RoseMary arrivd hom frm work early 1day n found ha huzy, Sam Steppah,in bed wth another gal.
"That's t!" she shoutd, "am leavin n am nt comin bak!"
Sam Steppah:Wait hon he pleaded Can't u @ least lemmi xplain?"
RoseM: Fine, let's hea ur story.
Sam: Well, I was drivin hom when I saw ths poor gal sittin @ the side of the rd,barefut,torn clothes,covered in mud n sobbin," e "I immedtly tok pitd ha n a...sked if she wld lik 2 get cleand up.She got into the car,brot her hom.Afta shower,gav ha a pair of the underwear tht doesn't fit u anymor,dress tht I bot u lst yr tht u nevr wore,shoes u bot bt nevr used n even gave her som of the chicken u had in the fridge bt didn't serve me."
"Then," Sam contind, "I showd ha 2 the door n she thnkd me.As she was walkn dwn,she turned around n askd me, 'Is there anything else ur wife doesn't use anymore?'"

visitor

Husband to his wife: honey, I invited a friend home for supper.

Wife: What!? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didnt go shopping,ol the dishes r dirty,an I dont feel lik cookin fancy meal.

Huz: I know ol that.
...
Wife: Then y did u invite ur friend 4 supper?

Huz: Becos the poor fool is thinking about getting married.

twisted penis

In a public loo;

Jaymo glanced over and noticed that Roba's pen*s was twisted lik a
corkscrew.

... Jaymo: I've nver seen 1 lik that be4!.
Roba: Like what?

Jaymo: All twisted like a pig's tail.
Roba: Well, what's urs like?.

Jaymo:Straight,like normal.
Roba: I thot mine was normal until I saw urs.

Jaymo finished pee-ing n startd 2 give his old boy a shakedown prior
2 putting t back in his pants.

Roba: What and why did u do that for?.
Jaymo: Shaking off the excess drops.

Roba: Damn! and all these yrs I've been wringing it!